I found this picture in a Psychology book, which reads:
"Many Hispanic American families benefit from close relationships and lots of mutual support across generations." Carol Sigelman and Elizabeth Rider, Life-Span Human Development, 9th Edition.
I mean really, no pressure. Lol.
From: Life-Span Human Development 9th Edition, by Carol K. Sigelman and Elizabeth A. Rider (Cengage).
And I get what they’re saying.
Latinos may appear more “family oriented” than other groups.
Sounds great.
This idea paints Latinos in a positive light.
In the 1950s and 60s ethnographic studies about Latino families described "Latin" culture as deficient and dysfunctional.
Our families weren't allowed to be wholesome. That might suggest we should be treated with dignity. Or given equal opportunities.
So why would I push back against a positive portrayal people fought so hard to achieve? We must present a united front. Never show weakness. La ropa sucia se lava en casa.
This portrayal of the cohesive Latino family has often served as a political strategy. Presenting our "best selves" to ensure the safety, survival, and unity of our families. In a country that has repeatedly shown it doesn’t want us.
But this ideal of the big happy Latino family is not inclusive and hides the reality that plenty of us grew up with something different, not less than.
Parents who were divorced or never married. Family estrangement. Substance abuse. Domestic violence. Sibling rivalries.
People don’t like to talk about it, maybe because it’s sad, but immigration also leads to the separation of a lot of families.
And sometimes it’s not all bad.
In the past, women may have stuck with an abusive or unfaithful husband, to ensure they could provide for their kids.
I know my grandma did.
But maybe their daughters didn’t.
I know my mom didn’t.
More opportunities for employment meant that women in many cases could peace-out of unhealthy relationships, to give their kids something better than they had.
For a kid it might be sad to grow up without a dad, but sometimes it was the best option, out of a bunch of crappy ones.
Anyway, it’s not uncommon, and I just wish people kept it more real.
Growing up I was always embarrassed of having divorced parents who remarried other people. Most of my friends’ parents were still together. This happened both in Mexico and the US.
But in the US it was worse. Because people always assumed I grew up in a big Mexican family.
I had cousins, aunts, and uncles, but for the most part, they were all spread out, and I didn't see them that often.
Today it’s even worse. My remaining family is even farther, and a lot of us don’t even talk to each other anymore. Part of it has to do with inheritance, hurt feelings, family breakdowns, etc.
People don’t like to talk about death, or losing a parent. About alcoholism and depression. About absent fathers and fights over money.
But I wish we would just normalize it more. You’re not alone. And it’s not your fault.
We’re all a part of a larger system that makes people do the best they can and sometimes make poor decisions, given their options.
Props to you if you grew up in a big Latino family. With supportive parents who are still together.
But don't take that shit for granted. And quit expecting everyone else to live up to that standard.
Lately I’ve been following Latinx Parenting, which talks a lot about "ending chancla culture," and decolonizing parenthood. I appreciate this group. They keep it real. A lot of our parents struggled. It wasn't all roses. And it affected their parenting. Our upbringing.
Not everyone was able to keep it together and give us all the love and affection, or even time and guidance that we needed. Not all of us grew up with stability in our homes.
It’s a group that basically says: a lot of Latino parents did the best they could, and may have messed up in supporting their kids emotionally. Maybe that wasn’t top of mind and they didn’t know how to do better. We can still love them, without forgetting about things that may have scarred us emotionally. Or we can keep our distance to protect our mental health.
And we may need to talk to someone about the things that still trigger us to 1) find better ways to cope or 2) parent our own kids.
And I appreciate that.
Being Latino is not all roses. And that’s ok.
We shouldn’t feel the pressure to paint a happy picture of ourselves just for respectability politics.
In order to gain something, or prove our worth.
Which brings me to... Luisito Rey, aka, Luis Miguel's dad.
I recently watched the Luis Miguel series on Netflix. For those who don't know, Luis Miguel, was Mexico's biggest pop star of the 80s and 90s. El Sol de México. And Netflix made a series about him a couple of years ago.
Anyway, towards the end of Season 3 they actually show Luis Miguel signing a deal to make the series. (He's out of cash, and owes millions in back pay to his manager.)
Spoiler alert: Do not read more if you haven’t watched Season 3.
When Luis Miguel goes to meet with the producers for his series, they get really personal and start asking him about his father, who did a lot of horrible things, to put it mildly. They ask him to confirm two embarassing stories that have been published about his dad: 1) that he never actually married his mother and 2) that he never paid the hospital bill when Luis Miguel was born.
Luis Miguel gets annoyed.
What does it matter? Why are they trying to paint him in such a bad light?
His father was also a huge liar, by the way. And Luis Miguel starts to reflect on that fact. Which brings up a lot of hard feelings.
After his meeting with the producers, Luis Miguel tells his brother about the whole ordeal, and how they are trying to paint their dad really negatively.
And it was here that I caught a glimpse of a huge generational shift, which I see happening around me everyday.
Being unapologetic about your reality.
His brother asks him: "And so what if he did those things? If he didn't marry mom, or pay your hospital bill? Who cares? What difference does it make? Do you want to be just like him, and sugarcoat how it really was? Do you want to lie, just like him, and say he was good? Who cares? It has nothing to do with you."
This really makes him think.
At his next meeting with producers, Luis Miguel comes back to them, defiantly, and tells them: "Yes, my dad never married my mom, so what? Yes, my dad never paid the hospital bill when I was born, and? But he did one thing right. He gave me music. That’s what he did for me."
Boom.
Unapologetic.
I close with that.
I'm no Luis Miguel. But the shoe fits.
Yeah our parents might not conform to some romanticized version of a happy Mexican or Latino family. So what?
They did the best they could and that’s ok.
Hay de todo. And it doesn’t make you any less Latino, Hispanic, etc.
That’s what’s up.
So, don't be embarrassed by your own dysfunctional family. It didn't have anything to do with you.